Stress Free

If someone would have told me that this year was going to bring a flurry of emotions and stress I would believe them. However, I was not prepared nor do I think I could have ever been for the amount of mix emotions and the stress that I have encountered during this year. In this one year that I have to be a dweller, I went from being a college student where my life was focused around school and what I needed to do to help myself succeed, to stepping out of my comfort zone into a city, culture, and way of life that is completely new to me. My day is spent at an emotional draining job where I work with homeless clients who all have their own stories and struggles and all I can do is listen and try to encourage them on their job searching even though there are times where it seems there are no doors opening for them. I then come home and try and figure out how I can explain what 3 plus 4 equals without giving the answer during tutoring time. During hang out time I am the ball referee, the mediator, the disciplinary, the nurse, and in all of this I don’t have enough eyes to see everything that happens. In our living spaces I have been placed with four other people all of whom were strangers to me before moving to Hollywood. We all have different ways of doing things, different tolerances, and our goal is to live intentionally together. On top of all of this I am in a state of personal growth and reflection along with trying to figure out what my next step is going to be after this year.

I feel on the outside I look like I have it all together. I show up to church events and give presentations with a smile on my face, but the truth is that I am struggling. I do have my moments where I just want to break down from all that I have seen. The reality of homelessness makes me want to scream and I want to cry for every struggle that our kids are having in school. I am sadden by the reality that there are neighborhoods less than five minutes from me where there are people who live comfortably and I have neighbors who have to work multiple jobs just to feed their families. And I am frustrated by the times when our intentional community is not placed as a priority. All of these different situations have brought stress and lately my body has let me know that I am stressed.

However, tonight the stress was washed away. It started with the first kid who came to tutoring. He brought a book to read. He had no homework, but he finally brought a book to read during quiet time. The next kid who came was new to the house this year and his mom wanted home to work on his reading comprehension. We sat there and did just that during homework time and I couldn’t help think what his mom would have done if DOOR was not present in this neighborhood. After homework time the back became the ultimate play zone. Basketballs were being thrown from all directions, a soccer ball was being passed back and forth and a Frisbee even got in the mix. Alex the monster came out and chased after the kids and horse rides were given and all were rolling around on the ground in laughter from being tickled.

At eight o’clock all of the kids left and a family came over for dinner. Our whole year we have been trying to reach out to the son in the family. He had grown close with the girls last year and had a hard time when they left so he has put up a wall to us since we have been here. He also has been hanging out with a rough group of kids and we have been struggling in trying to figure out how to reach out to him. Today he had to go to court to testify for something and his mom had to go with him. As we sat at the table before dinner she shared how hard it was to see all the different kids waiting for their turn to go before the judge and how frazzled the day made her. Before we eat the son said he wanted to say our prayer and he almost brought me to tears. He prayed for his mom and that she may feel better and for the realization that he never wants to end up in jail like the kids that he saw today. He thanked God for the people in his life that have helped him and he even mentioned all of us at the table.

Yes this year brings stress and emotions that we generally may not pay attention to, but it is nights like tonight that make it all worth it. It is hard to see and even know the impact that we are having on our neighborhood and the people at work, but it is the moments when they actually bring a book with them or when clients tell you about a job interview before I even ask that makes this year all worth it. We are here for one year but during this year we leave little fingerprints on those we come in contact with, especially the kids and hopefully all the fingerprints left by past and future Dwellers is what will help make an impact.

Why Tiny Advantage

Today I was playing basketball with one of the boys who came over to hangout. We were playing a fun game of him trying to make baskets as I was running after him trying to steal the ball. As we were playing Wendy, one of my roommates, came running by a got the ball just as he was about to shoot it and stated, “I got the height advantage”. Soon after the ball got knocked and Wendy and him went running for it and he proclaimed, “I got the speed advantage” as he got to the ball before Wendy. As we were playing he was coming up with all different kinds of “advantages” that he had and the one he was most proud of was his “tiny advantage”. Later on that night I was reflecting on the day and that phrase, “tiny advantage” kept coming to mind. In a game of basket ball, having the tiny advantage helps to get in the tight places and steal the ball almost unnoticed. Living where the community house is on Gregory Street, is also a “tiny advantage”. The community house to the neighborhood is a place for the kids to go and feel safe. It a place where there are people who are interested in talking with you and playing games. It is a space to run around and you don’t have to be quiet. It is a place that older kids can go to and hang out without being questioned by the police. The community house is a place that the neighborhood comes together for holidays and parties. It is a place to connect. By being a dweller and being associated with the community house I have the “tiny advantage” of trust. By fostering this trust and showing that I am worthy of it I am able to build connections and friendships with the kids and the neighbors and for this I am blessed.

Need for Diversity

Tonight I am inviting a friend over for dinner and I needed to go to the grocery store to pick up some things. All my roommates had their own plans for the day and so I got in our van and headed to Food 4 Less on my own. This particular grocery store is the most affordable in our area and the best for a low income budget. As I was driving there it occurred to me that this was the first time since being here that I have gone grocery shopping on my own. I was kind of excited, because I could take my time and shop at my leisure. As I was pushing my cart and going up and down the aisles I noticed that aside from me and one of the employees there was maybe three or four other white people in the store. The majority of the customers were Hispanic. This was not a surprise to me; I have been in this store many times, but never on my own. As I walked through the store and saw foods with labels in Spanish and heard conversations in Spanish my color became very apparent to me. I have to admit that the longer I found myself in the store the more uncomfortable I became. I felt like I stood out and I found myself holding tight to my space around me as I stood in line to checkout. Well, Food 4 Less did not have some of the items that I needed so, I stopped at Pavilions on my way home. This grocery store is one that we don’t shop in that often because it is a little more pricy due to them carrying only certain brands. As I was walking in the parking lot heading to the door I started to feel my uneasiness start to go away. When I started to walk through the store I felt comfortable again and know it had to do with the fact that I was part of the majority again and not standing out.

This feeling of standing out is not new to me since I have been in Hollywood. Most mornings on the bus ride to work I am the only white person on the bus and at work I am also in the minority. Before I moved to LA, I have had a few experiences where in terms of color I have been in the minority, but since I have been here it seems like a daily experience. Back at home there is diversity, but not like it is here in LA. Here in LA I have noticed, at least in my area the association between social economical status and color is a lot more apparent. As I sit on the bus or when I walk in a store where my color stands out I find myself wondering what people are think of me. I wonder if they are thinking, why is she here? I find myself wanting to hide so I don’t stand out. It has definitely been a humbling experience and has made me aware of how important diversity is and how our towns, cities, states, and country need more of it. I obviously have not been exposed to diversity like I thought I was and I hope one day I can be blind to skin color and just see people, without labels.

Wednesday Night Bible Study

Every Wednesday night we have a youth group come over for a bible study. It is amazing how God works in his mysterious ways. Soon after we all got to Hollywood we were trying to figure out how we could reach out to the high school aged kids in the neighborhood. One Monday afternoon, soon after another brain storming session, two high schoolers in the neighborhood came over and asked if they could hold a bible study that they do at our community house and of course our answer was yes. We had no clue what this was going to look like and so when they first came over we took the seats off to the side and observed. One of the guys got up and starting sharing his testimony with the group and I was almost in tears. Here stood a 19 year old guy sharing how he had been to jail 4 different times and when he was not he was getting high and drinking. He would spend his days not thinking about the future and living for the day with no regards for his actions. He lived for getting a quick high or getting completely wasted so he would not have to come to the reality of what his life had become. Then when he was in jail for his last time he was given a bible and it was because of this book his life changed for the better. He started to find God while he was in jail and when he got out he was not perfect, he had his slips, but with encouragement from others and the grace and guidance from God he turned his back to the drugs and alcohol and reconnected with his family. He stood there that night telling his story to his friends and to strangers with the goal of helping them to see that there is more to life then the quick high and living for the weekend parties. That with God, you will find the joy and happiness they all long for. I sat their amazed by the courage that he had to show his vulnerability, but to also share his faith and love for God. I could tell not everyone in the room was convinced, but I could see something sparking in them to want to know more.

In one weeks time the bible study grew and the youth director of the group came to help in leading. We set up chairs on our basketball court and a key board was brought out. At 7:30 pm the sound of praise songs, prayer, and sharing of God’s word could be heard from our back yard. It was a breath taking sight. For about a month and a half we have had 20-30 high school aged youth join at our house on Wednesday nights to learn about God and how he can have a place in their lives. Being able to provide a space for these kids to share their passion and joy for the word of God is an honor and I am so thankful that God has given me the opportunity to learn with them.

Welcome to Hollywood

Before I left home to head to Hollywood I had a former YAV explain a YAV Year to me as being like the show, Real World, but Jesus style. For those of you who are not familiar with the Real World it is a reality television show where people who know nothing about each other are brought together to live in community. On September 7th we all came together at the house on Gregory; Wendy, Alex, Curtis, Will and me. We are all from different places, with different upbringing and ways of doing things and we are expected to live in an intentional Christian community. Fortunately, I have been blessed with amazing roommates who each of us offer something different to the group that makes for a special family dynamic. I can already tell that it is going to be hard saying good bye at the end of our year.

When I arrived in Hollywood I experienced some culture shock. Hollywood most definitely is not like Tucson. It is big, people are everywhere, the traffic is unbelievable, and it is noisy. The houses are so close together on Gregory it makes use all intimate neighbors. At night I can hear the neighbor to the right of us playing with his kids and I can see the shows they are laughing at. At this moment my other neighbor is watching the movie Transformers and it feels like he is in our living room downstairs. You can hear the kids playing out on the street and every afternoon the tamale man comes out and stands in the alley next to our house yelling, “Tamales”, but you would think he was in our kitchen. The noise was a shock at first but now it is what I associate with being home and when it is quite it feels strange.

Hollywood is a lot different then what I had pictured. When I think of Hollywood I associated it with celebrities. I feel many people think of Hollywood as being a place that has glamour (I did). Hollywood though most definitely has two faces. There are the big homes and the spots that celebrities frequent, but there is also the real side. It is the side where there are average day people who go to work and try to make a living for their families. Sure Hollywood has its big homes and green yards, but it also has its neighborhoods where kids fear that they won’t live to be eighteen, because the reality to them is to feel accepted and have a sense of family you join a gang. In any city you have your parts that vary in social economic status, but in Hollywood is t is very apparent. One great aspect of Hollywood though is that it is a place of culture. There is Korea Town, China Town, Philippines Town, and neighborhoods that are predominately Hispanic. On Hollywood Blvd. you may here five different languages in just waiting to cross the street.

When I first got to Hollywood I was overwhelmed and worried as to how I was going to feel like this place was home. After being here a month I am getting familiar with the streets and I know how to find the grocery store and the closes Target (what more do you need). Last weekend we went on a retreat up in the San Bernardino Mountains and on our way back to Hollywood Curtis said, “It will be nice to get home.” We all paused for a moment at the thought that this is our home and it is finally starting to feel like it.